When we want to be successful at something in life, we usually don't attempt to "see how it goes." That's why those who want to play the piano take lessons. No one can sit down at a piano for the first time and play Mozart or Beethoven. Sure, most anyone can peck on the keys long enough to figure out "Chop Sticks" or "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but that's not musical success.
An instructor will teach what keys produce certain musical notes, what techniques to use to access those keys and how to determine musical notes from written symbols in order to play pieces of music.
Once we've received basic education and training, it is up to us to practice and develop what we we've learned. After years of practicing, one can become adequate at making music with a piano. Clearly, masterpieces cannot be musically interpreted into success by a beginner.
Yet we often assume that success in marriage will come without any instruction or practice. Many times, we rely on some mysterious shared chemistry or compatibility and then when things don't run smoothly, we assume that individual differences are to blame. In the sad cases, divorce lawyers entitle them, "irreconcilable differences."
Usually those struggling in marriage don't question their techniques or decide they are going to start practicing with a resource or a professional. Unmarried couples usually don't seek to learn correct fundamentals and techniques to practice in their future marriage. Because of this, many people are setting themselves up for failure. According to studies 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Here are the current details and distributions, just look below:
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America
| Age | Women | Men |
| Under 20 years old | 27.6% | 11.7% |
| 20 to 24 years old | 36.6% | 38.8% |
| 25 to 29 years old | 16.4% | 22.3% |
| 30 to 34 years old | 8.5% | 11.6% |
| 35 to 39 years old | 5.1% | 6.5% |
The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end indivorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. - from http://www.divorcerate.org/
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end indivorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. - from http://www.divorcerate.org/
Marriage is hard work, but it is well worth it. If your marriage is in crisis, I suggest you seek professional help, to really put forth an effort and get a professional, unbiased view that will help pin-point the real issue(s). If your marriage is not in crisis but you fear it could fall into crisis, I've found the following three points could offer some help in keeping your marriage from reaching a point distress. I am no professional and I'm included in working on always bettering my own marriage. If your marriage is strong, the following could help you keep it that way.
Things to remember and practice:
1. Marriage is a team sport. Most friends or relatives of married people often hear only one side of the story. The side they hear is usually one spouse blaming the other for all the problems within their marriage. "If only he'd _________." "If she wouldn't ________." It is never completely one-sided. Sure, one spouse might share more of the guilt in hurting a marriage, like in cases of infidelity or addictions, but it is nearly impossible for one spouse to deserve all the blame. Accept responsibility. Don't expect your spouse to do all the work in your relationship. Each marriage partner has enough to work on personally without attempting to change or manipulate his or her spouse. Be a team player in your marriage and your spouse will likely do the same. To see a big change, you must be part of it.
2. Become your spouse's dream (it's deeper than physical). When you were young, it's likely you had ideas and dreams of your relationship with your future spouse. Your spouse did as well.
Perhaps one of the greatest mistakes people make in marriage relationships is to stop the courtship process. You remember that time in your life don't you? When you were polite, kind, supportive, selfless, thoughtful, attentive, forthcoming and sensitive to your spouse? You made yourself into that dream. You learned what bothered, scared or hurt and you avoided those things. You found out what was important to him/her and you made it important to you even if it wasn't before. Do it again! People don't give up on the spouse of their dreams. You'll likely find that your spouse will do the same for you.
3. Tell other people good things about your spouse. In front of him or even when he's not there (the same goes for husbands about wives). If you focus on the positives in your spouse, you will find that he/she not only does more of those positive things but also adds new positives to the list. Thank him for cutting the grass or taking out the trash. Thank her for a delicious meal and tell others that she's a great cook. Be sure to compliment him on his strong arms or intelligence in front of your friends. Tell her how beautiful you think she is. Tell him he's handsome. Not only will your spouse appreciate the compliment, but you'll find it easier to treat your spouse as you should because you will be programming yourself to respect and appreciate him or her...remember that it's about practice, just like playing the piano.
Marriage takes practice and work, but the rewards are for a lifetime. Remember that great marriages don't happen over night just as troubled marriages usually don't become disturbed in a few days. Start on the path to being a team player in your marriage and don't look back.
